Plague of the Mary Sues
by Izout
Summary: Chris finds himself getting stalked by annoying creatures called Mary Sues and just about has all he can take. How will he get himself out of this one?


Disclaimer: Not mines, don't sue.

A/N: Just something made for fun.

* * *

It was a beautiful day in Castle Rock. The sky was blue, birds were singing and... you know what I mean. A lot of people were enjoying this fine day, and the ones who were enjoying this the most were a group of four boys: Gordie Lachance, Chris Chambers, Teddy Duchamp, and Vern Tessio. The boys were on their way to the store to pick up some pops, crackers, and chips, passing by the Blue Point Diner, when they heard what sounded like soft sobs.

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" Gordie asked the others as they stop watching to look around.

"It sounds like someone crying." Vern answered the best he could. They turned into the alley and saw a girl sitting on a crate, crying her eyes out.

"Maybe she's crying because she saw your face." Teddy snide at Vern.

"Hey guys cool it." Chris told Teddy and Vern sternly before a fight broke out between the two. "I'm going to see if she's alright." Chris slowly walked over the girl as to not frighten her. "Hey, are you ok?" He called out to her. The girl had stop crying and looked up at him, her eyes glistening with tears.

Chris paused where he was and just stared at her, taken back her beauty. She was so perfect. She had beautiful blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes and she lacked any imperfection. Her face had clear skin; No wrinkles, no zits, no moles, no nothing. She wore a expensive dress that, despite seating on a crate, never wrinkled and wore expensive Italian leather boots. When she smiled at him, he felt like he had been hit a gust of cold air; sensing something dangerous about this girl. You see, for the past couple of months, Chris has found himself being stalked by annoying vile creatures called Mary Sues. They all move to Castle Rock with some big 'Boo-Hoo feel sorry for me' past. They all have home lives or families so shitty, they make his family and home life look loving and content by comparison. And they all try to make Chris their boyfriend.

Chris had managed to evade these creatures for as long as he could. A few times, they manage to snare him, but he always manages to get away. He had a feel this girl probably wouldn't be different.

But as the same time, he couldn't resist her. He felt there was something different about this girl; something special.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She answered him as she sniffled and wiped a tear from her eye.

"No, you're not. Please tell me what's wrong?" Chris pleaded with the girl.

"Okay," She started. "My name is Marie Susan. I'm an only child. My parents always argued a lot. My father gives me beatings every day, my mother always tells me I'm ugly, and my boyfriend always cheating on me."

Having heard this, Chris couldn't help but feel sorry for this girl.

"Hey, me and the guys our going to our tree house, wanna come a long?" Chris asked Marie, holding out one hand to life her up and the other hand pointing at Gordie, Vern, and Teddy.

"Um, okay." Marie smiled, taking his hand. Even though Chris barely knew this girl, he found himself slowly started to fall in love with her. Just as they two walked out of the alley, holding hands and smiling at each other.

"No Chris get away from her!" shouted a voice. All five turned and saw another girl standing there. She was… someone you would call 'Plain'. She had flat brown hair and big brown eyes. Her clothes look like hand-me-downs, just a pair of faded jeans and a plain green t-shirt. But, despite looking plain, she also managed to look beautiful.

"Who are you?" Chris asked the mysterious girl, letting go of Marie's hand. Marie just glared at the girl.

"Uhhh," the girl trailed off, looking down at her shoes, then look up at the gang blushing a little. "I'm Jackie. You might not remember me, but we have math together. I always sit in the back of the class, staring at you. I've… I've always had a crush on you, but you never saw me as anything other than another classmate, but all those times you look my way made my heart sing…" Jackie said as they looked up at the sky dreamily. "But, getting back on topic, stay away from that girl. She's a slut. She may look pretty and all that, but she actually a whore who will go out with you, suck out as much sex as she can, then dump you once she gets bored! And I care too much about you to let that happen!"

Chris completely forgot about Marie and instead fell in love with Jackie.

"You really mean that?" Chris asked her, taken back by her speech.

"Every word." She told him, her eyes filled with honesty.

"Wow, I never knew Chris was so popular with girls." Vern said amazed as they watch him be surround by two beautiful girls.

"Lucky bastard." Teddy muttered under his breath.

"Now hold on here bitch, who are you calling a slut, slut?" Marie angrily asked Jackie, shoving her violently. Seeing Marie try to protect him caused Chris to fall back in love with her.

"You obviously! I won't let you hurt Chris, this I stand by!" Jackie retort back, and Chris fell in love with Jackie again.

"Bitch!"

"Slut!"

"Whore!"

"Chris loves me!"

"Chris has better tastes than that!" Just as the two girls were about to engage in a huge cat fight (and Teddy went off to get some popcorn to eat while watching)…

"Now hold on one minute!" shouted a voice. All six turned and saw another girl walking towards them. She had jet black hair and haunting green eyes. She wore-

"Huh? Another one?" Chris asked himself. At first Chris felt himself about to fall in love with her too, but then he took a good look at her, then Marie and Jackie, then put two and two together and realized they were Sues. So instead, he just scowled at her and put a hand on his hip. "And who are you?"

"I'm Justine and I'm your old childhood friend." She told him, smiling at him. Chris just smacked his forehead, than pinched the bridge of his nose.

"And let me guess, you have the hots for me too?" Chris asked her with a bored tone.

"Yes, I had a crush on you back when we were little kids, when I first moved into your neighborhood and you invited me to play with your ball. But then my dad moved my whole family away to California and as a parting gift, you gave me a flower that you picked from your mom's garden, saying you would never forget me. Chris, you had been on my mind ever since."

"Back off bitch. No one even knows who you are. You can't just come in here and claim that Chris loves you!" Marie snarled at Justine.

"Yeah!" Jackie backed Marie up, completely forgetting that she was about to fight her.

"Hey, if you two want to brawl, let's go for it!" Justine said as she cracked her knuckles. But before these three could fight…

"Not so fast!" Announced a voice. All seven look at the source and saw that another girl had suddenly appeared. She had a tomboy look to her with her straight brown hair, wearing what look like boys clothes, and had a baseball hat adorn on her head. "Chris, I'm here to get you out of here." She told him, grabbing his arm to pull him away, but Chris released himself from her grip.

"And you are?" Chris, who at this point stopped caring about these random girls, asked her without interest.

"I'm Danni. I'm your best friend." Danni smiled as she playfully punched his shoulder.

"Really? You are?"

"Yeah, you, me, and Gordie have been best friends for years. And this is embarrassing, but I kinda sorta have this crush on you that only Gordie knows…"

"Of course you do." Chris just rolled his eyes.

"Okay, I don't know who the hell you are, but I think its best we get out of here guys." Gordie suggested, motioning Chris to come a long with them.

"Sincerely." Vern agreed. But before they could leave, _another_ girl showed up, this one being older than the rest.

"Stay away from my little brother." This girl announced to the other four girls.

"'Little brother'? Who the hell are you?" Chris asked this new weird girl.

"I'm Rebecca Chambers. I'm your's and Eyeball's big sister, silly." She told him as she playfully ruffled his hair.

"Hey, wait, I though Chris and Eyeball already had an older sibling?" Vern questioned this. "Wasn't his name Frank-?"

"Shut up Vern." She growled at him.

"But-!" Before Vern could continue, another girl showed up.

"Leave my dad alone!" She shouted, she looked a little like Chris if he had been born a girl.

"'Dad'? Who the fuck are you calling 'Dad'?" Chris demanded, starting to get fed up from all these Mary Sues popping out of the woodworks.

"I'm Christine Chambers. I'm your daughter from the future!"

"My WHAT?!"

"Yeah, I found this time machine that allowed to travel back in time to when you were a little kid. But then I accidentally caused you and Mom to never meet and now I'm on a race against time to get you two together before I erase myself from existence. It's very much _Back to the Future_." She explained to him.

"What's 'Back to the Future'?"

"She's not your daughter!" Came another voice, this one belonging to another girl. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. "Because Chris has two sons in the future."

"And who are you to say that?" Christine shouted at her.

"Because I'm Joanna, Chris' wife."

"My WHAT?!"

"G-Guys, let's get…" Gordie said again.

"Well, your future wife. I'm kinda doing what Gordie did at the beginning of the movie, except I'm reminiscing about how we first met, to us becoming friends, to us developing feelings for each other, to us starting to date, to us falling in love, to us making love for the first time, to us getting engaged, to us getting married, and to us having our first son."

"But we're the same age!"

"I said future wife."

And this continued on and on for the rest of the day. More and more Mary Sues inexplicably showing up. Each one claiming to be in love with him, or claiming to be a childhood friend, or his best friend, or somebody claiming to have just moved in.

"Hi Chris, I'm Danisha. And since I'm African-American and it's the sixties I know the two of us are going to get along perfectly since we both know what it feels like to have people discriminate against you."

"I'm Becky! I don't actually don't want to date you or anything, I just want to sleep with you. Your whole Bad Boy look is a major turn on to me."

"Chris, I'm Sarah. Remember, you took me along with you guys on your trip to find Ray Browers and we became boyfriend and girlfriend along the way, remember?"

"I'm Sandra Merrill, Ace's little sister. I know my brother doesn't like me hanging out with you guys, but I can't help it. You guys are my best friends."

"I'm Petunia Tessio, Vern's and Billy's sister, I'm not here for you Chris. I'm actually here for your brother."

"Your my what?!" Now it was Vern's time to be shocked. All four boys huddled up discuss what was happening here. "Guys, I don't know who that girl is, but she is NOT my sister! Sincerely!"

"It's okay Verno, I didn't believe it for a second." Chris assured Vern, shaking his head in disgust.

"Wait, you know?" Vern exclaimed.

"Yeah, you know, for the past couple of months, I've been getting hounded by these girls who Eyeball told me were Mary Sues. All of them keep showing up whenever I walk by the Blue Point Diner or the tree house, and they all keep trying to make me date them." Chris explained to the guys, frustrated by this whole ordeal.

"Why the fuck do you get all the girls Chambers? What so fucking great about you?" Teddy demanded Chris, very peeved by this whole situation.

"What? You think I _like_ having all these crazy bitches stalking me and trying to make me fall in love with them, Duchamp!?" Chris barked at Teddy. It looked like Chris and Teddy were about to get into a fight when Gordie and Vern restrained them.

"Hey, hey, hey, guys! Fighting isn't going to solve this." Vern tried to reason with the two.

"Yeah, we got to think of something to do about this." Gordie joined in. They both let go of Chris and Teddy and tried to think of a plan.

"Hey, you guys, I got one." Chris said as he walked over to the Sues. "Hey! HEY! Ladies?" Chris called out, getting their attention. They smiled at him, then frowned once he said this next. "Get out! Now! Get out! Get the hell out!" When they whined why, he explained next. "We don't need you! We don't need any new girls moving in and trying to weasel their way into our gang! We don't any girls trying to be a part of our gang! We don't need any big sisters or daughters or wives or girlfriends; I'm too young to try and start dating! And I don't need some girl around to be my best friend, I have Gordie for that!"

"Hey!"

"I didn't mean like that, man. As I was saying, I'm sick of this! We don't need any of you tagging along on our adventures! We don't need you guys to HAVE an adventure! None of you are interesting characters or and none of you act like worthwhile additions to the plot! So get out! Get out of my sight! Get out of Castle Rock! And get out of our lives!" With that, all of the Mary Sues turned around and slowly made their way out of Castle Rock.

"Hey man, are you going to be okay?" Gordie walked up to his best friend, checking to see if he was alright. Chris just smiled at him.

"Yeah, I'm just going to need a drink to massage my throat." Chris said, rubbing his sore throat from all the yelling.

"Seriously! Why do you get all the girls Chambers? I'm the real eye candy out of this group." Teddy boasted.

"Teddy, you have all the sex appeal of a person with Syphilis." Chris joked. "And besides, I… actually kinda like somebody else." Chris said shyly which caused the guys to look at him.

"Do we know her?" Teddy asked.

"Well… you know _him_…" Chris answered as he looked at Gordie. Gordie just blushed and looked down at his feet.

"Sorry Chris, but… I'm actually seeing somebody." Chris just stared in shock at Gordie.

"Oh, do I know her?"

"Well… you know _him_…" Mirroring what Chris had said earlier. Chris looked down and saw that Gordie was holding hands with Vern, tightening his grip.

"Vern? You're going out with _Vern_?" Chris asked shocked.

"Yeah," Gordie replied, his cheeks turning red from embarrassment. "We were alone in the tree house Sunday night, we really got a chance to get to know each other, and well… one thing just lead to another…"

"Oh… okay… I think I'm going to head home. I'll see you guys tomorrow?" Chris asked them as they nodded in their heads. Then Chris turned around and walked away, his heart broken. They stared at him for a while until he turned a corner and Teddy turned to Gordie and Vern.

"So, wait, you guys are actually going out?" Teddy asked them, curiously wanting to know.

"No, I just said that to get Chris off my back." Gordie told Teddy, letting go of Vern's hand and breathing a sigh of relief. "He's been… a little touchy-feely lately…" For you see, for the past few weeks, Gordie has found himself being lusted after by his best friend. Gordie then proceeds to tell them how Chris has been increasingly all over him. Showing up at his window in the middle of the night, constantly trying to kiss him, drag him into bathrooms to makeout, talking about his body in a suggestive manner. Gordie told Teddy and Vern how one night, he had found Chris in his room taking off his shirt. When Gordie left the room to wash his hands and come back, he found Chris completely naked! Saying how they were 'going to make love for the first time' and 'it's going to hurt a lot at first'. It was then that Mr. Lachance had showed up and kicked Chris out, making it one of the few times Gordie was glad to see his dad.

"Ugh, too much information." Teddy shivered convulsively. Gordie just sighed.

"I don't know what's worst guys, Mary Sues or all the Slash?"

"Sincerely."


End file.
